Making a Marriage Work

Unconscious Assumption: Our Marriage Will Run by Itself While We Deal with Everything Else

It's the number one myth of marriage: "After you fall in love, you don't have to work at it anymore." Countless couples have told me, "If it takes so much energy, we must not be made for each other." Somewhere we have been improperly taught that true love is supposed to come easy. Once we've committed to each other through marriage, our love will take care of itself while we get on with life. We can now focus on jobs, kids, and acquiring things.

I think many want to resist having to work so hard at love. It takes enormous energy to create and maintain a wonderful marriage. Great marriages are about a fully engaged connection that requires constant attention, a deep, soul-searching understanding of yourself and how it affects your ability to love. Giving it everything you've got sounds exhausting and disquieting.

Being sensitive to another human being is harder than most things we do.

We may say we want that wonderful marriage, but deep down we recognize that being sensitive to another human being is harder than most things we do. If all you're giving your spouse is the energy left over from balancing work and family, you're cheating your marriage.

Putting your marriage first is about a state of mind. It's believing that everything else that you feel is important is dramatically impacted by your marriage. Whether you feel in love or lonely will affect every decision and action you take today. Marriage is a foundation for your world. With love in your heart and a sense of someone who cares deeply for you as your partner, you have greater energy and greater abilities to handle all of life's tasks. Aren't you a better parent on the day you feel close to your spouse than when you've just had a fight? Aren't you more focused and energized at work the day after a romantic, loving evening with your spouse? Don't you want to live more passionately when you feel loved and able to give love?

For every ounce of effort you put into your marriage, you will benefit tenfold, not only from the direct love you feel but from the energy and focus you'll have for everything else in your life.

The idea that you need to focus more on kids, work, or friends than your marriage is an excuse for running away from having an exceptional marriage. You didn't marry to be absorbed by everything else but your marriage. You'll never lose from any other part of your life when you make marriage your priority. Obviously you may have less time for your kids today if you go out to dinner alone with your spouse. But you will be offering them a supremely better parent on your return, Start at the top -- the love in your marriage -- and allow that intense love to flow into the rest of your life.   ---Excerpted from Emotional Infidelity by M. Gary Neuman