Pre-Marital Program with Dr. Todd Sojonky

Happy to invite you or someone you know to our pre-marital training program.   Through eight one hour sessions you will learn the keys to having and maintaining a wonderful marriage.   

Statistically couples who complete a pre-marriage training program have a significantly higher success rate of long and happy marriages.   Contact Dr. Sojonky to start you program now!

Difficulties

Imagine that you are having difficulties with a loved one, such as your mother or father, husband or wife, lover or friend. How helpful and revealing it can be to consider the other person not in his or her “role” of mother or father or husband, but simply as another “you,” another human being, with the same feelings as you, the same desire for happiness, the same fear of suffering. Thinking of the other one as a real person, exactly the same as you, will open your heart to him or her and give you more insight into how to help.

Messy Mondays: Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage

Thich Nhat Hanh's 4 Mantras - Super Soul Sunday - Oprah Winfrey Network

John Gottman: How to Build Trust

The Importance of Play

Play energizes us and enlivens us. It eases our burdens. It renews our naturalsense of optimism and opens us up to new possibilities.- Stuart Brown

We don’t stop playing because we grow old;we grow old because we stop playing -George Bernard Shaw

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct -Carl Jung.

Play is the highest form of research. -Albert Einstein

We forget that the imagination at play is at the heart of all good work. -Julia Cameron

Attachment

Often it is only when people suddenly feel they are losing their partner that they realize how much they love them. Then they cling on even tighter. But the more they grasp, the more the other person escapes them, and the more fragile the relationship becomes.

So often we want happiness, but the very way we pursue it is so clumsy and unskillful that it brings only more sorrow. Usually we assume we must grasp in order to have that something that will ensure our happiness. We ask ourselves: “How can we possibly enjoy anything if we cannot own it?” How often attachment is mistaken for love!

Even when the relationship is a good one, love can be spoiled by attachment with its insecurity, possessiveness, and pride; and then when love is gone, all you have left to show for it are the “souvenirs” of love, the scars of attachment.     -Rigpa

Communication Skills

9 Steps You Can Take to Improve your Couple Communication Skills

Published March 30, 2012 by Mosaic

According to the Vanier Institute of the Family, statistics in October 2011 revealed that 4 in 10 marriages end in divorce. Divorce rates are measured as a prediction of the percentage of couples that can be expected to divorce before their 30th wedding anniversary. So what can couples do today to find themselves in a happy relationship in 30 years?

1. Be pro-active instead of reactive and avoid the “I did this because you did that” way of thinking. When you are reactive, you are blaming someone or something else for your behaviour. Your actions come from within you, from your chosen standards and values, not from an external source. When you are proactive, you determine the direction of your life and don’t allow any external thing to excuse your behaviour. It means you take personal responsibility for who you are and what you do.
2. Give positive affirmations. Compliment, praise, thank and acknowledge your partner. Don’t assume that your partner knows that you love and appreciate them. Be affirming, genuinely, regularly and consistently.
3. Model how you would like to be treated. If you want to be listened to, practice the skills of being a good listener.
4. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. “You” statements blame, accuse and criticize. “You always do this…” Alternatively, “I” statements express how you feel. “I feel hurt when…”
5. Seek first to understand – then to be understood. Often our first reaction when situations become escalated is to make ourselves understood. Try to listen to your partner and empathize with their position.
6. Develop your communication skills. 98% of good communication is effective listening. Concentrate on what the other person is saying, then try to convey back what you believe they are trying to say. Also, be aware of your body language. Develop eye contact, have a pleasant facial expression, watch your tone of voice, be present and engaged.
7. Empower your partner. Don’t try to solve all of their problems or tell them what they should do, instead be supportive and encouraging to help them manage their challenges.
8. Nurture the relationship. In a dynamic relationship, you have to continually address change. Continue to invest time to dialogue about your partnership, your needs, your dreams.  Schedule dedicated couple time.
9. Communicate your needs in a positive and constructive way. Your partner cannot read your mind. Ask for what you need in a timely, specific and non-demanding way.

Dealing WIth Differences - Conflict Resolution in Marriage

Thich Nhat Hanh on Compassionate Listening - Super Soul Sunday - Oprah W...

Relationships

Imagine that you are having difficulties with a loved one, such as your mother or father, husband or wife, lover or friend. How helpful and revealing it can be to consider the other person not in his or her “role” of mother or father or husband, but simply as another “you,” another human being, with the same feelings as you, the same desire for happiness, the same fear of suffering. Thinking of the other one as a real person, exactly the same as you, will open your heart to him or her and give you more insight into how to help.  ---Rigpa

It's Not About The Nail

Every Couple Argues

10 Tips - If You're Gonna Fight, Do It Right!

Couples who argue disrespectfully will likely break-up.

Published on February 9, 2012 by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. in Emotional Fitness

Every couple argues. Some of the do it overtly by yelling at each other while others do it covertly by avoiding contact and conversation. Whatever the method, the result is the same – hurt feelings and disenchantment. Here are my tips to help you argue constructively, if done correctly it can be a pathway to growth and problem solving.

1. Understand that anger itself is not destructive. There is a vast difference between anger and rage. When someone is angry they need to state their feelings, they don't break things or relationships - that is ragefull behavior.
2. Talk about your feelings before you get angry. When you or your partner can approach the situation as it happens and deal with it in a safe way, it may not get to the point of being an argument. Sometimes things just need to be verbalized and most arguments can be avoided if your partner understands how you feel.
3. Don't raise your voice. It's amazing how issues of hurt feelings or differences can be resolved with a whisper. I counsel couples who are yellers to only communicate with a whisper and it greatly reduces the anger factor in their relationships.
4. Don't threaten your relationship. And don't take every argument as a threat to your relationship. This type of emotional blackmail puts the other partner in a panic/flight or flight mode. While you're telling them you want to leave, they may be making plans to find a roommate. In addition, they may be so devastated by the thought of losing their family they can go into a deep depression and be unable to give you what it is you need.
5. Don't stockpile. This is where you bring up issues from the past to use as a hammer against whatever problem your partner has asked for help with. Deal with their issue first and if you really have unresolved feelings from past problems talk about them at another time.
6. Don't avoid your anger. If you stuff your feelings long enough you will explode and say or do things that you will regret. Anger does not diminish love, you can be angry with those you love. In fact the ones we love hurt us the most because we love them the most. 
7. Create a process for resolving problems without anger. Start by each of you taking five minutes to state your feelings, then take a twenty minute break to think about things and come back to the table for another ten minutes to discuss how you think you can best deal with the problem. Also, know that it's okay if the problem doesn't get solved right away.
8. Abuse is NEVER allowed. This includes verbal abuse, any type of violence including slamming doors, breaking plates or hitting. If your arguments escalate to this level you need to leave the house. If one partner ever hits another a police report needs to be made and an appointment with a therapist is mandatory. 
9. Don't engage. Remember that negative attention is still attention. If your partner tries to goad you into an argument, simply don't go there. Some people actually like to argue because it gives them a temporary feeling of power and gratification. Avoid being sucked into their need for attention. 
10. Listen to your body. When you are angry your body releases chemicals that may cause you to react in ways that can be destructive to you, your partner and your relationship. Learn to understand your feelings and how the process of anger affects you physically and emotionally.

Research has shown that couples who argue disrespectfully more than twenty percent of the time are probably not going to survive. Hopefully these tips will help you get your arguments under control and reduce the level of energy in those arguments. If not, and if you want to keep your relationship, you need to find a qualified couple's therapist. 

Thich Nhat Hanh's 4 Mantras - Super Soul Sunday - Oprah Winfrey Network